Creative Vicissitudes

Aha, finally all the contribution I made to my group projects since term 1 is paying off! The two years of formatting word documents and aligning paragraphs are probably the only thing that matter in one’s run-up to the final placements…. Every tom dick and harry on campus wants a job… take the tall, hefty guy sleeping in the last row even during the attendance call… one of the first things he’ll need to get a job is a resume….

Your resume is a document where you lie about everything else other than your name and address… I have even observed several instances where the name is constructed creatively. So Dhavala Appala Narasimha Chaitanya decides to christen himself as DAN Chaitanya and allows the reader to proceed beyond the first line without construing the name to be a multiple choice question… Most companies advertise that they are an “equal opportunities employer”, which means I, with my hairy pot belly, stand the same chance of getting picked as the fair girl with the long legs sitting to my right. Trust me; it is not too wise on our part to bank upon these promises… Better don’t mention your sex if your name is along the lines of Manju, Chinju, Minju, Sanju, Kunju etc etc. and you’ve been the subject of all those name-jokes throughout engineering college… This way, you’ll at least get the benefit of doubt and a shot at those shortlists…

After trivial formalities like name and sex done, we proceed to more important creative pursuits like academics…. Unfortunately, most companies now specify a minimum font size. By experience over the years they have found out that unless this is mentioned, people like you and me project our academic achievements in a manner that is not visible to the naked eye. Some of us would like to get around this difficulty by changing the frame of reference.

Rank 1 in CBSE Class 12 in model higher secondary school, Athipatti

This process is what I personally like to call creative inertia… HR managers who go through your resumes have this elephant sized ego to go with their peanut sized brains… they like to think that only students with outstanding exploits have sought a career with their firm… so their mind lingers on in the bold part, refusing to proceed to the rest of it. Oh, so this chap is rank 1 in CBSE… that’s great, aint it??? If this were not enough, your production-2 project (don’t remember? the one in which you fraxed and jack did all the work….) reincarnates as “statistical analysis of impact of information systems on supplier relationship in collaboration with the University of Alabama”….

Now comes the much awaited summer internship and other work experience. It is quite expected that 22 year olds generally are not given any significant responsibility worth a mention. Over the years, it has come to light that summers happen for 3 main reasons:

1. Employees tired of flirting with the same girls looking for some new motivation,

2. Get some backlog of menial work cleared which no permanent employee wants to lay his hands on,

3. Maintain relationship with the bschool….

But the companies do not want you to accept that much when you draft a resume for them. So this is the perfect opportunity for you to bring out the creative genius in you…I give a few good ones I have encountered, one of them a humble creation of yours truly.

Sales Channel Process Development & Competition analysis (I sold 50 credit cards per day and counted number of credit cards sold by my friend interning with another bank)

Designing, architecture modeling, development and maintenance of software modules (I checked orkut thrice daily and stayed out of the way of people who worked. My own work was restricted to cut-copy-paste relevant modules from programs written over the years)

Customer Service Representative, ICICI Retail Banking (I attended phone calls for 2 months)

Recognized as a potential candidate to be groomed for the Fast Track Six Sigma Initiatives in the company (My boss praised me over the six shots of vodka I invested in him on a Saturday night)

Created the first version of a benchmark for financial performance (I submitted a report which went straight to trash)

Negotiations with clients on requirements and expectation mapping (I spent 2 months filling surveys and questionnaires.. this is always easier than getting others to fill them)

Formulated recommendations for improving operational efficiency of Faulty Towers & Co (Someone intelligent recommended, I just made the ppt)

Led a team of 30 people… (… led 3 freshers who recently joined my IT company to the water cooler and cafeteria at the far end of our wing)

In short, the dictum you can steal until you get caught (roughly translated from a malayalam saying cooked up years back) certainly applies to drafting resumes. As long you know in which state Nagapattinam is and when the tsunami hit, you can always pass off post-tsunami rehabilitation as part of your social endeavours. Ciao then, get working on your resumes and get those coveted shortlists…

Humble apologies to the people whose work experience and summer internship have found a way into this post... i've tried my best to conceal your identity...