Home Alone - I

There are few events in life that generate as multifarious emotions in a 23 year old guy as the prospect of going home and facing one’s mother… I had left home and tasted freedom as early as when I was 15. Now, a school and two university degrees later, the God up there decided that excessive freedom bestowed on me was a danger to society and as if it were by his bidding, the angel of fate had found me a job close to home…..

My friends were much happier at these developments than I’d have liked. Probably because they were blessed with the foresight to expect some entertainment in this post and the subsequent brickbats. “Dude, the way I see it, the only problem with staying at home is that you cant bring a chick home…” No, don’t get scandalized. The two of us were known on campus as ‘Laurel and Hardy’; not exactly a description that would entice chicks to our messier-than-prison rooms! But that never stood in our way of fantasizing about greener prospects.. In any case, I let him pour his emotions and opinions out… After all, he too was in the same boat. “Just think of it dude. Havent you had enough with all the mess food? Do you really want to keep eating potatoes your entire life?” Well, this last point put things in perspective. It has been found by HR managers that nothing motivates their employees more than hurling abuses at the mess food during their bschool and engineering days. Well, if you are thinking that some of us like to abuse HR managers more, that’s a moot point here because the findings were made by HR managers themselves! Finally, to beat bang in the middle of the bush, I headed off for home with an appointment letter asking me to report exactly 58 days hence.

The first one week was heaven! With the typical euphoria surrounding a son’s return home! But then things started falling in place….. much like the difference between the PPTs the companies present on campus and the actual work you find when you land there…. A typical day goes on like this…..

“Rishi……rishi…….Rishi….RISHI!!! how can you sleep till 8 in the morning????? Remember what I’ve told you! Early to bed, early to rise….” Mom, since you told me that last, the earth has revolved around the sun 10 times, India has lost a zillion cricket matches and Iraq and Afghanistan have practically ceased to exist!

“How long will you keep staring at the comp! Already you look like a four-eyed alien with glasses thicker than a soda bottle!” Okay dad…….just think of a more endearing description when you advertise in the matrimonials, please!

“hello…. Oh shanta, kaisi ho?..... accha! Sri sri Ravishankar’s art of living discourse? Obviously we have to go… no, no… don’t bother….. my son is jobless only na! He’ll take me!!!” excuse moi?? Did she say that I’d take her???? Doesn’t my mom even know that my agnostic principles rest on the firm foundations of extreme lethargy and lack of willingness to go to far-flung temples and attend these pujas?????

I decide to shrug away the “jobless” tag by enrolling for driving classes…. At least, at the end of a month, license tho mil jayega! “Oh Bhai! Cycle samajh rakha hai kya? Main road hai…. Khud marega, mujhko bhi marvayega @#$%!” great………at least first three days I had to put up with only my mom’s abuses! To think that I sacrificed that to hear abuses from a complete stranger!

The uneventful day does have its perks like daily visits to the grocer, engaging him in challenging discussions like how the price of tomato has gone up by 2 Rs over the last one week, or how Ramu charges 1 rupee lesser for the “bigger” coconuts at the end of the street! These lively discussions are often interspersed with suggestions from Mrs Desai (that’s the generic name I give to all 55 year old housewives I meet at the grocer), who reminds me of the CP done by eager bschool students sitting in the front row! No new opinions… just the prof’s statement rehashed with a few synonyms…

All said and done, staying at home is quite refreshing and different… It’s quite flattering knowing that there is someone who keeps track of all that you are doing and takes care of you every second of the day! It’s flattering when you don’t have to make the long walk to the mess and wait longer for the spoons than for eating itself, but instead someone comes to you and feeds the food in your mouth… It’s flattering when you stop seeing potatoes in your subji, and in its place a tomato for which you haggled for 15 minutes with the grocer… nah! Nothing is worth all the haggling. I’d rather take the Karnam Malleshwari sized potatoes, that look as though they were cut with an axe!