Falling coconuts

MBAs all over live by the WHPH philosophy, “work hard party harder”. As a consequence, post placement trips are quite common in bschool campuses all over… to the extend that not going for one of these is seen as “uncool”, so to say!

“what are you gonna do sitting holed up at home? Why don’t you join us?”

It may be a different matter that the last time you struck up a conversation with several of them was during the post admission meets.

If you think you can get around that difficulty by getting your friends together on a trip, think twice…

“no da, I’m actually going to sunderbans with these pmir people…. Lotsa cute chicks coming with us….”

Reader kindly note that he doesn’t even invite you…. Well, not that you’d go if he did. But still, it feels good to be invited, doesn’t it?

Move on to friend # 2. “da, I havent been home ever since I joined XL. Been busy with disserts and competitions… and I think my joining is in early april… so I really wanna go home…”

Why do I even make friends with these people?? Probably to get some last minute gyaan before end terms… The ungrateful bitch that I am, I also keep forgetting that this chap saw through all my group projects over the last two years…

Friend # 3… “dude, guess what! We are going to leh next week…”

Great! Here is a true friend…. But certain minor obstacles remain…. “dude, but don’t they like open the passes in june? I remember hearing that somewhere…”

“dude, when my dad is coming with me, why shud I worry? The pass itself is made for them!”

Oh! U mean YOU are going to leh… not US!!! ….. aaargh!!!!

Finally, I decided to tag along with my friend to goa! Several incidents made the trip and all the dough spent on it worthwhile...

****************

We were on a van from bombay to goa…. Frigging hot…. Suddenly, several of us can feel some droplets of water.. “great! Its raining…. Open the windows fully….”

I was about to do that when I realized something was amiss! The drops had a strangely obnoxious stench…. Probably just the area…. Maybe some garbage….

The van stops…. And a guy sitting in front jumps out… “BARF”….

YUCK !!!! I cant believe it!!!! all of us sitting behind jumped out to wash off the “droplets”!

Needless to add, the poor soul was referred to as “Raingod!” by his unsympathetic comrades for the rest of the journey…..

****************

We hired bikes to go from beach to beach…halfway through, suddenly out of nowhere my friend gets this impulsive need to ride!

“dude, sit peeche.. lemme ride… “

“okay fine.. take my helmet”

“dude, grow up! How uncool is that! I don’t need a helmet n all….”

“but….”

“no buts, sissy! Sshh”

Skeptically, I let him ride… hardly 5 minutes before a cop asks us to pull over and slapped us with a Rs 500 fine….

“dude, I got just 200…. Cough up the rest…”

Wonderful!!! What sort of a beggar buffoon sets out to roam around goa with 200 bucks??

****************

On the way back, we stop at a pub in bombay…. To dance our troubles away…. Teeny tiny hardly-five-feet-tall girls are let in…. but when it cames to me… “sorry sir, can you please show us the proof of age?”

I was scandalized!!!!! Hello…. I came of age like 4 years back!!!! Well, granted I don’t exactly have the physical dominance of the four feet tall schoolgirl who just went in, but I wasn’t about to argue with someone who looked like NTM and karthik ganesan put together!

My “friends” soon struck a deal with me… they’d go in and dance while I walk around bandstand for most of the night watching strangers make out in the most repelling ways, witnessed before only in jenna jameson movies….

****************

Several such stories later, I reach the safety net of jamshedpur where nothing can go wrong…. One thing that I’ve always been scared of in kerala is a coconut falling on my head…In a weird, twisted way, I’ve been skeptical of embarking on trips with a huge crowd of strangers as well… and now when I look back, perhaps it is the incidents rather than the people or the place that make the trip memorable….

Random Musings.....

been gettin a coupla fan mails.... thx a ton guys..... thts wht motivates budding writers like urs truly... keep spreading da word arnd... mebbe some publisher is out there somewhere..... to rescue me from the clutches of dull work monotony into the exciting world of self employment and bankruptcy....well, no harm in bein optimistic...

waise, one man i really envy is UD... he has everything in his life... office hrs till arnd 430 or so... after that, come back... sip on some beer and watch tv... no sweaty local trains... no screaming bosses... no complaining clients...just gotta c the faces of a few moronic students twice a week... i remember saha was also talkin abt this (not UD... but professions on these lines) in one of the few classes i managed to attend.... concept of floating professions or somethin.... like doctors, freelance journalists... who are not slaves to any one particular company or organization... this causes lack of resources... and so the organizations bid for them... this drives up the pay like crazy.... interesting concept... make ppl bid their pants off before u commit to work....

Veggie Pains!

Like most people, I am a foodie… I eat for the pleasure of eating, and everything around me stops to accommodate the most important event of the day…. Yes, the whole Maslow’s hierarchy funda….But most unfortunately, I’m a vegetarian… one of the several iyer heritages that I am not very proud of… That slams like a lot of doors at yer face!!! Not that I haven’t tried…. Just that I start hearing small lambs cry whenever I stick a fork in my friend’s dinner plate…..Being a lover of small creatures, puppies or lambs, the prospect is not very attractive…

It was the pinnacle of my two years stay in bschool when the most beautiful girl around buzzed me…. Half an hour and an endearing conversation later, I was about to ask her if she wanted to go to mess….with me obviously…. My fone rang…Oh, thats nothing.. just airtel again… no one else called me for like a year now…
“dude, we are all going out to celebrate josey’s bday… come to bodhi in 5 mins…”
my best friend on the line… talk about timing….ok, now what excuse do I give him??? Ah, exploit his biggest weakness. The guy just cant wait for food….
“da, gimme 10 mins… am chatting with my uncle here….” “OK”…
now, did I hear him straight???? Did he just say OK???? Aargh!!!! Its ok rishi, they’d leave…. U r not quite that important for even a big bunch of morons to wait for u….. 10 mins later, the fone rang again…..Now I was getting desperate…
“er… da, temme this… I’m a veggie… will I get anything decent in the place yer goin?”
“yeah yeah… derz a big menu exclusively for veg”

Great! Now what do I do? Horny and single on one hand….. versus a good friend on the other….. like all mortals, I yielded to the devil’s temptations….. said bye to the hot chick and headed off to bodhi to spend my perfect evening with the clowns!!! Still, all was not lost… at least I had some good food to look forward to…. Besides women, that is number 2 on the charts when it comes to men’s priorities…. Closely followed by AoE, movies, booze and cursing bald professors….

We got off at the tiny shack my friend clamed to be the best Chinese restaurant this side of the great wall…. Like any self respecting adult male, I asked for the menu leaving the petty rituals of settling into a seat to the lesser mortals… ok, first section… soups.. hmmm..
“I’ll have an egg noodle soup please…. 1 by 2 with Kamit over there…”
okie… now to the main course…. Chicken…. Pork…..goat….. snake…..duck…..hmm, no luck there… finally, I spotted the famous “exclusive veg section” sandwiched between Duck and Prawns…My best friend was happily ordering the entire gamut of the animal kingdom, oblivious of my misery…

The soup arrived… er… calling it a soup would be an exaggeration by any standards! I just saw carrots and cabbages in the bowl with some hot water…. “hello….er, boss? I don’t see any egg around… I ordered an egg noodle soup…” Kamit wasn’t too happy at the prospect of sacrificing the soup…. Soon, the same stuff arrived, this time with a bunch of hitherto unseen floating particles…I pretended not to take notice of kamit’s angry glances… The big fatty (I have stopped referring to him as my best friend) leans across and whispers, “Rishi, the key is to just drink the liquid…. Leave the floating particles alone...” FYI, the liquid is nothing but hot water, u moron!!!!

Soon the dinner table was laid with some rocks they claimed to be chilly paneer… don’t be mistaken, my friends had sympathy in their eyes….. once in a while…. But mostly it was hunger and greed! 7 inconsiderate pricks munching on, while I watched an entire zoo disappear from the table…. As we split the bill, someone muttered, “da rishi, bishudaz closed today…. So u might wanna wake up early morning if u want to catch some food at da mess….” Grrrrrr….you might be bigger and fatter than me.... but i can kick yer butt any day when u r distracted with food, and i'm attacking from behind!!!

Hey, but on the brighter side, I always get invited to booze parties…. Coz they know I wont touch their stuff…..food or booze….. @#$%

Thrown out of School...

“Rishi, what are you doing? Stand up!!!” 99% of the aches in my little 13 year old head could be attributed to this female…… the vice principal of our school… Her panache of nailing innocent students like me for the most trivial of offences was legendary!!! Like today, I had just passed a note to the girl in the next row that read “what a fart class”…. Cmon, in college, ppl find it hard to sit through a whole hour of lecture…. Back in school it’s much much longer and more boring…. And Indian history of all subjects!!!

“Get out and kneel down for the rest of the class…..” ohmygod!!! Dint she know what was going to happen!!! The whole school would see me!!! My fragile male ego hurt, I sought revenge… the rishi jokes for the rest of the day didn’t help either.... but back in sixth standard you don’t really get a lot of classy ideas…I did what any self respecting boy would do…headed off to the hood…. The boys toilet… and scribbled the most venomous vilifications ever conjectured against mankind…. Dog… donkey…. Stupid old woman in love with the school sweeper!!! Ok… granted that my vocabulary wasn’t exactly pronounced and well developed back then…. But it was enough to assuage the bruised ego… and face it, my peers were idiots like me.. they for certain would appreciate the jokes!!! I headed home in the evening… smug at my success…

The next day dawned…. For the first time ever in my life I looked forward to going to school.. Trivial formalities like the morning prayer and assembly completed, we settled down for the more important issues of the day…. Attendance…. Mutterings all around…. The back benches full of juicy gossips about my bold exploits!!!

“Rishi Iyer”

“Present teacher!”

“Ah…. Yes…you are in serious trouble young man! go to the vice principal’s room, will you?”

To be fair, they were quite chill about the whole thing…..there was some amount of yelling… understandable…but no caning…which was fortunate…. But to cut a long story short, I found myself standing outside the principal’s room listening to her call up dad and abusing me… “sir, is this how u bring up ur kids??? You know how difficult it is to get an admission here? This school has been founded on Christian principles… we give lot of importance to discipline…blah blah blah” it was quite painful standing there listening to her go on and on…. “you come NOW this instant and take him away… he is expelled… No, there is no way he is continuing in this institution now!!!” hang on, WHAT???? Expelled??? I was overcome with shame and shock… what wud mom tell??? The moments passed on like years….

In less than half an hour, my dad’s car screeched to a halt outside the school….i was relieved…had complete confidence in the old man!! He’d pull me out of this mess… hez an awesome guy…. I smiled as he came in….. no…he is not exactly coming in…hez running in… never before in my life have I got a shock like this…. He came straight at my throat, ripped off a coupla my buttons….and beat the shit out of me…. “IS THIS WHY U COME TO SCHOOL???? you are way past the line!!!” the words hurt much much more than the leather belt on my back….. soon enough, the teachers and the principal were begging him to stop… sir, please control yourself…he is only a small boy…. Poor thing.. he is just naughty that’s all… “STUPID BOY RUINING MY NAME!!! how dare he do somethin like that!!!!” no no sir… we will talk to him…please don’t beat him like this….see how afraid he is….

GO AND SIT IN THE CAR!!! YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!

Ten minutes later, the door of the car opened and my nemesis got in …I was terrified to even look at his face…. “dude, don’t be so upset….i’m sorry… if I hadn’t done it, they wud have thrown u out!!! now cmon n cheer up.. i'll get you an icecream and we'll go watch a movie, what say?"

Micro level implications of earth's planetary motion on a South Indian Bschooler

It is that time of the year again when I wonder how much ever man advances technologically, he cant be too far away from the animals he has evolved out of…. WINTER…. The bears head off to hibernate… the ants have gathered their food for the whole season….. and I have said goodbye to my own peaceful life and taken refuge in the confines of my warm cozy room..

I can guess what you are thinking…. What can possibly be the connection between the seemingly monotonous planetary journey around a star heralding the sojourn of a nice harmless pleasant season on my day to day life in a bschool?????? It is the single biggest threat to my whole positioning and existence!!!

Let me start off by giving you a sneak peek into my life so far…. My real name is Karuppuchamy…. I know dude… My dad probably wanted the last piece of revenge for the years of liability I would turn out to be for him…… But it’s cool…. this problem is easily solved by christening yourself as Sam…. Everyone in college knows me by that name…. Including the profs… Thank god they do not get any sadistic pleasure out of humiliating you in front of the whole class…

Anyway, all my life I’ve lived in Kerala…You know in primary school, yer taught that there are four seasons in a year…. But no one was there to actually explain… then, as is the case now, the whole focus was on mugging the seasons and reproducing them faithfully on yer answer sheet….. Back home, we define winter as 25 degree celsius… the shops stock woolens for like 10 days in that Christmas to new year week… and that too only bcos they wanna b seen as ppl who sell all kindsa clothes… it’s the same set every year…. Anyway, for a person who comes from this alien land, you need a whole new word to describe the concept of temperatures below 10 degrees….

Lemme put this straight to you… Its not that we are weak…. “Acchhoo!!!” If I got like 5 minutes without having to sneeze, I’d kick ur butt!!!! Just last night I faced the onset of the first winter of my life….That fateful first sneeze opened the floodgates!! Cold throat pain fever wheezing….oh dear god!!! The once coolest guy on campus has become the epitome of mucus and a nose leaking like the CIA….

I know my north Indian readers cannot really empathize with the contents of this blog…Let me try and explain with an analogy… Have you ever tried putting your fingers….through your eyes….. into your brains…. and swirling around with the gelatinous pulp inside? This is how we feel EVERY SINGLE day that you people call winter!!! People who were once your friends and fans now think of innovative reasons to stay away…. “Oh Sam!!! Sorry man…. Cant make it tonight… Gotta read ethix…” That’s a double insult…First of all he is lying…and On top of that the lie is so incredulous that he thinks I have a peanut sized brain!! Who on earth would buy that???

But the winter has its advantages too…it comes with a whole new parcel of excuses to skip classes, assignments and what not… yeah I know… inventing excuses is no big deal…anyone on earth can do that!!! But the beauty of this package is that no one can get mad at you!!! And it lasts for like the whole season... today flu.. u can use that for the whole week… next week, cold and throat pain….use it for a coupla days….next week wheezing or asthma, depending on the number of days you wanna frax….

All in all, the winter term is pretty enjoyable… less stressful, more events, inter college sports meet…. Just a small glitch…. The cool guy cant take so much cold…

Diwali: The festival of lights........ and spams!!!!

This post, like all others before it is based on fictional characters… Any resemblance to events or people, living or dead, is purely intentional…. But that doesn’t mean you get all touchy and sulk in a corner or think of cheap means to get back…Also, lock up all your religious beliefs in a small box and set it aside before you read this… Just have fun, forget about it and get on with your lives…

Every Sunday morning, I wake up only when my mom wakes me up with her customary fone call… this routine has been goin on for the last 8 years now….ever since the little one fluttered his wings and set off on his journey to discover the world for himself….

“How was yer Diwali dear?” The festive season was the topic of discussion that morning…

“Oh amma, I did not get any time to actually celebrate Diwali….in between all the deleting spams and bulk messages wishing everyone a happy and prosperous Diwali….”

I know people have no real work to do all day….and I know there is this desperate social need to make their presence felt…. But that doesn’t mean they can wake up early morning thinking what can I do today and populate all their friends’ mailboxes… I know this concept took off in the west… but the sad people that they are, they just have 2 festivals to look forward to all year…. Thanksgiving and Christmas…. If we were to replicate that in India where there are more festivals than days in the year, things might get a little out of hand… add to the fact that our dear old mother India is endowed with much more sons and daughters than any other country in the west…. Which means there is every possibility that each one of us has more spammers (friends…spammers…whats the difference, eh?) than our lesser fortunate western brethren…

Just have a look at this

____________________0
__________________00000
________________(0000000)
_________00____(000000000)____00
_________0000__|____W____|__0000
_________00000_|_<>___<>_|_00000
_________000000|_________|000000
__________00000\_(______)_/00000
___000_________//_\____(____00000____000000__\___\_____...
__00000___000000000_^.__^..*^_._^*___00
___0000__00000000000__^.___.*^_^*^__0000
__________000000000000/_^^^00000_____00
___00000__00000000000/00000000000__000000
_00000000__000000000/00000000000____0000
0000000000___000000/00000000000___00000000
00000000000____000/00*0000000___000000000000
_000000000000_____00000000____00000000000000
__000000000000__00____0000000_0000000000000
____000000000__00000___000000_000000000000
______000000_00000000___00000_0000000000
______________000000_____0000__0000000
_______________0000

Ok, granted I do not have an exactly enviable command over Hindu mythology…. But hasn’t diwali got something to do with ram’s victorious return from lanka???? Maybe Ganeshji was his sidekick…. Oh no that was Hanuman…. and he had a monkey’s face… not that of an elephant, u moron!!! Ooopsy!!!

I’ve got this exact same ganeshji foto for like a zillion festivals now…. Ever since I signed up for a mail account… this same foto finds a way to break through all the new improved spam filters apparently set up by yahoo, orkut, google, rediff etc etc….Must be a real good hacker who sends this stuff….. Be it ganesh chathurthi, diwali, new year…..even for Christmas, ppl send me ganeshji fotos!!!! Not that I have a problem with ganeshji’s esteemed presence and blessing in my humble web domain….. but it is kinda frustrating to see people frittering away all the creativity bestowed upon them (thanks, ganeshji…) on the most frivolous of activities… u know? These are a coupla things u shud learn from me… spending my creativity on the most productive of activities like being an armchair critic and blogging…..

And yeah… the author of this blog must be a real loser to have nothing better to do on the day of a wonderful festival than sitting in front of a comp and making fun of all mankind, including himself! oh no, hez forced to do it….. to delete all the spams on y! messenger……

Einstein in love with Hannibal Lecter

Have you ever been forced to accompany your mom to a wedding of some distant relative??? And u felt like you are standing bang in the middle of a Mumbai CST railway platform…. There is a lot of hustling and bustling going on, lots of activity…. But you cant place a single face…. Have you ever felt as if even if you disappeared, it wouldn’t make an iota of difference to anyone der? Your own mom who was so begging you to come is just happy she got a lift and is now oblivious of your existence, happily gossiping with mrs gupta…… or sharma….. How does that make a difference to you?

Well, chatting with your lady love can be a very similar experience…. This is the classic case of information asymmetry…. Because she is the only one who knows whether you are gonna get lucky… shez the only one who knows (apart from, of course, her best friend who keeps giggling every time u get like within a square kilometer of her!!!) whether this is gonna work out or not….yeah well, all day you debate the pros and cons of talking to her….or chat with her….or call her…as the case may be……

Pros:

You love her… you wanna talk to her…

Cons:

You are a pain in her wrong side… Quit bugging her….Have some self respect… you are a man….. Shez been giving the cold treatment to you for months now… can’t u see? Shez NOT INTERESTED!!!!!

Screw LOGIC!!!! You finally summon all the courage at your disposal and buzz…..

“Hi, u there?”

One second

10 seconds

30 seconds

1 minute

“hi”

Guys note, this 1 minute is the time it takes her to call her best friend to share the gossip….

You don’t know what to say….what do you tell a person you love!!!! Awkward silence descends on the romantic air….This is the first lesson.. There can be several degrees of embarrassing silences…… YESS!!!! You finally have it……..the idea….

“how was the day?”

Yes, that’s cool…a very nice question…get comfortable….show you are concerned…

“it was ok”

Hmmm… no help there…. What do you answer to that???

“Had lotsa classes?”

“No. you?”

Applause!!!! Standing ovation from everyone around the stadium……Salute the champion!!! SHE has finally asked YOU a question!!!! All is not lost….

“Yeah… had an awful day… 3 whole classes…But they were interesting… especially PMIR… we were discussing the evolution of Collective Bargaining…..”

Hey, HEY HEY!!! Hold it there…

“…..and how the legal climate of the country played a role in shaping…..”

Oh fuck! Yer never gonna get her!!!

You do not even realize that for the last two minutes, yer the one whoz been doing all the typing… for all you know, she may have even left for a coffee….. or to flirt with cuter guys…. Dumb guys yes…. But that’s not so bad…they don’t discuss collective bargaining with their lady love like Mr Einstein here…. No wonder… the dumber the dude, baber the babe…..The theory does have a point….

“er… I am sorry…. I gotta rush…. Priya is calling…”

Finally she does type in something…. Even though it is a goodbye, I broke your heart note…

Did she just tell you goodbye???? What can possibly be more important than a romantic discussion on collective bargaining???? The Pentagon falling apart??? No, that isn’t important…. Jenna Jameson visiting campus???? Hmm…maybe….Doesn’t she realize that there are still endearing discussions on theology, scientology and communist philosophy to talk about???

What is she? Hannibal Lecter?? Doesn’t she know how excruciating the wait can be???? You havta start the process all over again… waiting for a whole new day to buzz her.. the debates… the counseling sessions with your rakhi sister… that reminds you, where has she been for the last 3 days??? HIDING FROM YOU!!!!

Ah, the vicious circle of waiting, debating, chatting, making a fool of yourself and getting shooed away continues…..

Pyrrhic victory of a 13 year old....

Not many things scare me… well, at least it doesn’t hurt to say so in my blog…but I have never been more scared in my life than that day when I walked up to the lone chair in the examination room….I was perspiring profusely… well, that’s a good thing then… dint some eccentric scientist guy mention somewhere that genius was 99% perspiration??? The teacher smiled graciously and motioned me to enter…. Like a cornered thief, I anxiously looked around for exit points…. As I took my chair, the tip of my nose went cold….yeah, that always happens to me when I am nervous… what the heck was she scribbling so vigorously?? I glanced at the question paper…nothing in there made me comfortable…. Question 1. Write a poem in hindi…. Sweet mother of all that’s pure and holy!!!! This is where I am gonna be cremated…. Ok, rishi…think!!! Aaha!!! I started writing whatever I knew about saare jahan se accha…. With generous additions and filling the gaps by mahakavi rishi iyer, of course…

It was a hot summer day in 1997… I was in goa, seeking admit in a CBSE school… but apparently there are only 5 schools in the whole state that don’t make u read Konkani!!! What is this place???

Anyways, test done…. Waiting in the hall outside for the result was even more excruciating, if thts possible… “Ah rishi…come on here…We’ve gone through your papers… and we are really impressed with yer performance…. ”

Oh cool, I swelled up in pride…. I towered over the 6foot plus profs with my 5 foot height…. Hmph! I had even beat their own students… that too in their home ground!!! Ha!

“But derz this one small thing…Yeah, u know in Hindi…. We don’t write ON the line, but beneath it rather… You may wanna look into it if you hope to clear the board exam next year”

I looked for a crack in the floor I could disappear into….

A short story

A singer had many fans. Then one day, he bought an AC and the fans went off.
Moral of the Story: Obsequious sycophants dont last long...

To each, his own Battle

The crimson sun peeked over the silhouette… wanting to come out…. Over a hundred thousand men willing it not to…. The land lay barren….. into the far horizon…. Stench of the previous evening still fresh in the air… A lone figure on the hills gestured to his army… Tattered armor, rusty helmet and a sword smeared with the blood of hundreds… Zir, the Spaniard… The hooves of the horses far away, resonated in a rising crescendo as they came closer….and closer…… The last of his paladins here, on the day of reckoning….

They waited in anticipation…. The barbarians were on the move, they knew. All their allies down south were decimated….Battles had come and gone in the past. The paladins had triumphed over them all… The stark difference of the mood in the air bothered them, like a nagging headache…. Somehow, this day was going to be different. When the sun sets tonight, the last man standing will stake claim to the land….

It’s a funny thing…. Time…the stress of the waiting game unbearable… footmen were jovial, and knights panicky… some writing letters to their loved ones, others crossing themselves…

Faith, Resignation, Hope, Panic, Anger, Optimism….Zir saw the gamut of human emotions flashing across the faces of his men… Ramifications of the human mind…. Unfathomable…

Each of them knew they were outnumbered. But faith can sometimes supply you with the strength that logic cannot… faith in their leader, their king, who had never let them down…. Obliteration awaited them. Many did not understand the philosophy… The purpose… but still, here they were… Their leader had extolled the higher virtues, “Some things in life are more important than wealth, than survival or even self respect…”. They delved within themselves…. No one had an answer…. On the battlefield, even a moment’s indecision can cost you your life.

As the hussars approached from the southern plains, one thought crossed the Spaniard’s mind….. To each, his own battle….

Iyer Mamis & Futures market of Love

Derivatives are the symbols of financial innovation.. we give credit to the US markets for using derivatives on a wide variety of underlyings… from weather to real estate…but none of them can beat the forward contracts written on love and marriage alliances by the famed south Indian Iyer mamis!!!!

Why do Iyer marriages last two days??? That’s because they are like mini stock exchanges!!! The actual wedding is only a small part of the work that gets carried out at such functions… Lemme explain….

The largest visitors of these marriages are 50 year old ladies, whom we will henceforth refer to as “mamis”… these women act as dealers, and are the single biggest headache of most men of marriageable age! In the mami hierarchy, their stature is determined by the number of prospective brides and grooms they keep track of… they go around publishing this like the two-way quote of a dealer…. 18/22….

I was shocked last night to get a serious buzz from my uncle…
"Rishi, I want to ask you something… give me a frank, honest answer…"
"Yeah mama, sure… wassup?"
"Do u love someone there? "
er….did I hear him right?? "Well……..no? whats going on?"
Its not like eligible, desirable women are queuing outside my room!!!!!
"I’ve got 3 alliances for you… what do u think???"

PANIC!!! What else???? Here I am…. Just beginning to appreciate the whiff of freedom, with promises of a job and a decent salary… and in the background, there is a conspiracy in the mami network to shoot down all that???

One of my friends was given the option of marrying any of three brothers of a certain family, depending upon when she wanted to get married….now? eldest one is free.. next year? Second one is free…. Can it get weirder???

Each of these brides/grooms are like short/long positions… and each of them comes with a contract specification…. Profession, designation, salary, date of birth, horoscope blah blah…. Order matching happens on a dynamic basis!!! Delivery obviously happens at the warehouse (read mandap) chosen by the seller… Now things become clear!!! That’s why all Iyer marriages happen at the bride’s place…. Because that is the “short” position….

And there is no end to the number of times a mami closes out her position by passing on the contract to some other mami!!! Some mamis also look to take proprietary positions by reserving the best girls for their own sons….. but mostly, they do it for the sheer service to society!!!

But I guess guys like me couldnt thank these mamis enough!!! At shaadi.com and in newspaper matrimonials, I wouldn’t stand a chance… I photograph like a criminal!!! :-D

She...

Argh!!! With a groan, I fumbled for my key in the dark…. It was disgusting…. I never got home early and work was all that I had time for…. The whole family was invariably snoring by the time I got home….If this continued, my son would never recognize me… *sigh* for the umpteeth time that day, I longed for the days at bschool when your biggest headache of the day was looking for company to go to kersam…

Every now and then I’d leave home with a steely resolve to quit and pursue my dreams of doing a PhD and settling down comfortably as a professor in some third grade bschool…. At least I’d be free to play with my daughters in the evenings!! But in the dirty world of corporate HR policy, money is all they talk about when someone talks about quitting… “Money minded bastards!!! You are all incarnations of Lucifer, I hope you know that!!!” I’d yell and pocket the fatter paycheck before promising to meet them first thing Monday morning…. Argh! I hated yielding to these material temptations…. All those ethics classes came rushing back to me as I searched for some bit of learning I got….Hmph! Nothing out there…. Should have known better while snoring away to ignorance and bliss in the shady corners of the class….

I pushed open the door…Was even too lazy to switch on the lights… fell back on my lazyboy, exhausted!!!

You’ve read about the trains during partition??? Hindus and Muslims were packed in goods trains and sent off to India / Pakistan…. When the train reached the destination and the bogies were opened, hundreds of bodies fell out……all dead….. of suffocation…. Mumbai local trains are like that….the only difference is that the doors are open…. Cant decide whether it’s a good thing or bad… for one, the people inside get some air…. Or so one would be inclined to think… But on the other hand, open doors are invitations for anyone brave enough to get in…that only adds to the crowd.. and the pains… You might wonder, for a guy who gets paid so much, this chap would be traveling in first class, so why is he cribbing???? Yes, I travel first class… no, I don’t get to stand comfortably, let alone sit…. In Mumbai, first class has a whole new meaning… You pay 10 times the normal fare… why? So that instead of the stench of rotten fish, you get the stench of Brut… but for the entire journey, first class or second, your nose is pretty much sticking under someone’s armpit!!!!

AARgh…. For the 391st time that day, I was disgusted…. Must quit the job….

Suddenly, I felt her hand on my thigh… it was so reassuring… I couldn’t believe my luck!!! I was so fortunate to have her!!! She stayed up this late for me??? Her eyes were moist… I could see the affection, the gratitude… she had stood by me all these years… She came closer… and closer…. I could feel her breath on my face… and before I realized, she was licking my ears… for the first time that day, I smiled…. Poor thing, what if she was hungry? After all, it was quite late… I went to the kitchen to look for food… she was inseparable…. As she followed me, I tossed over two biscuits… in her trademark style she jumped up and gulped them down… my doggy, my friend….

Rumblings in the interior!!!

Since I was a little boy and had the opportunity to read tales of Robin Hood, the outlaw, I’ve always had this fantasy of feasting with them….. Today, in many respects that exact wish of feasting with Robin Hood and his gay men (oops, merry men I mean…) has come true…. The similarity is uncanny!!! Mama and his gang of merry men loot and plunder, but finally make it good by stuffing us with goodies…

That whiff of air battles with that glass of payasam for the last bit of space in yer digestive system….. It makes its displeasure at failure quite clear by storming out of yer mouth with a vengeance!!! BURP!!! Your best friend sitting next to you suddenly turns to the other side and hits up a conversation with a total stranger…

In the end, there is so much strain put on yer elastic skin around the stomach area, that you get the feeling that the center of gravity of yer body has shifted like a coupla inches forward…. You wonder whether your legs could adjust to this whole new body dynamics…

The spicy sambar, sweet payasam and sarkara pongal all swirling around in that tiny stomach… The food has been so stuffed up to the throat that even if you wanna have some water, u may have to wait for some of the food to digest and make way….

Ah! Rumblings in the interior!!!

An Honest Committed man: Moron or Oxymoron??

Question....What is the foundation of every relationship?
Love! (Pbbt...)
Honesty! (Christ Jesus, have u ever been in a relationship?)
Loyalty!(Got nething between those ears?)
Compatibility! (forget it, u'll never learn!)

Dishonesty!!!! cynical? maybe.... but totally true....

It was a cold winter night…Rains were lashing at the fragile makeshift bus stop. There was a lone figure, desperately wielding her umbrella. Was it trepidation on her face? The neighborhood was pretty spooky… I wanted to protect her, brush aside the soft wet hair from her face….

“Honey, what are you thinking?” With one swift jolt, I was firmly brought back to reality. The bus stop had long gone and I could see the faint silhouette of our college as the bus screeched to a halt… Like all men, this is one question I hate…But like all men, I did love my girlfriend….

“Er….Ahem…. yeah, nothing… was jus wondering how cool it’d be if both of us were trapped on an island with no one to disturb us!!!” Yeah, that’s right… with adequate practice and after 5-6 fights, you kinda catch up…. Btw, that was a cheesy line, I know… but in my defence, I was just 19 back then!!!!

“Oh! That’d b so romantic… We could be….” Her voice trailed off…..

Yeah, but what would we eat??? I wondered… You could tell that there were more pressing concerns as far as I was concerned…

In many ways, spending time with your girlfriend can be like studying in a bschool… You give examinations all the time…lotsa surprise quizzes… you have to be attentive… you are not allowed to bunk, or come late… always be well-dressed… Oh yeah, u do spend a lot…..sadly, no loans though! In short, spending time with your girlfriend is a shortcut (not necessarily a less painful one…) to mastering the art of negotiations…

“Do I look fat in this dress” NO! Every nanosecond of the response time counts… and if you can throw in an “incredulous” look (as if the whole idea of her looking fat is ridiculous), nothing like it….

With time, the questions get trickier…. “Do you wanna go shopping?” Of course not! If you say no, she might get offended... That will be like raising hell for the rest of the day! If you say yes, you will end up shopping and that means living on the bread and mixed fruit jam of the mess for a month!! So take the middle path…. “Shopping is ok, BUT IT IS SPENDING TIME with you that I am more excited about… Why don’t we just get an icecream, sit here and talk?” Yes, yes…. I know talking is equally irritating… But it certainly is the lesser of the two evils….

Which guy in his sane mind would ever wanna go shopping??? Unless it is for some electronic gadgets or stuff like that? Even then, we pick the stuff and leave.. It’s like JIT philosophy…Women seem to shop for the mere pleasure of it!!! They love haggling… Yeah, that’s another thing…. Spend 3 hours looking for “something nice”… Buy that for 1000 bucks….Spend half an hour haggling between 990 and 1000…. And then decide not to buy it because “the shopkeeper is trying to cheat us”!!!! How about just paying the extra 10 bucks and saving the next 4 hours repeating the whole process?? NO!!! where is the place for logic here?

Coming back to negotiations…. “Do you think my friend will look good in this dress?" Wow…. U mean that cute chick you always hang around with???? I love her!!! She’ll look better in micro minis….Hmmm… Thts not exactly the answer that will earn you brownie points…. “Oh, I don’t know her that well… but Honey, it is your selection!! Obviously it will look good only na? who knows her tastes better than u!” SCORE!!!

In the end, relationships can get pretty much more complicated than “I love her, she loves me”… It is a lot more about how hard you can work to keep the other end happy… And how much ever we crib about it, men do end up sitting on couches at shops carrying bags when their better halves are spending hours looking for “something nice”… and yes, we’d rather do that than be far away from our loved ones…..Adios amigo!

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Disclaimer: Please dont shoot me down for this. my views in real life cudnt be farther away....

The not so Merry-go-round of Life!!

I don’t know what it is about me that makes me so irresistible to women!!! The sad part is that it happens only when they want to seek breakup advice…. I know what most of my male readers might be wondering…. “Basket!!! At least they come to you for something!!” But lemme tell you from my own experience….There can be nothing more unsettling than when a beautiful woman comes and talks to you……about other men… Not to mention the fact that the breakup advice u give them puts yer life in great peril….at the hands of their boyfriends, usually 6 foot tall basketball players or doping guitarists with peanut-sized brains that fail to recognize any semblance of logic!! (Yeah, I know…what do women see in them anyway?? I guess dumber the dude, the more they can put up with the incessant chatter that women subject us to…) More on the “dumber the dude, baber the babe” theory later…

Anyways, years of playing the agony brother (agony uncle makes me sound old) has helped me perfect the art of counseling.. If my fin grades are any indication, this is a good thing… that means I’d have something better to resort to than begging to earn a living… Lemme use this blog and this free-time to impart my wisdom…. Why? I jus told u abt my fin grades… there shud be some place where I can look wisdomous!!!

There are four zones you havta cross before you come to terms with a breakup…The first is “denial zone”… Here, you have been dumped, or rejected, but do not wanna believe this!!! Aw, she just “thinks” she doesn’t like me… arre, abhi yeh thinks ka matlab wohi hua na? This zone happens because frequent interaction with his girlfriend has tuned his brains and sense of logic to that of womankind.. A guy so fervently rejects the idea that his lady-love doesn’t have feelings for him…

Next can be even worse…You know she has rejected you, but don’t know how to come to terms with it… I call it the “realization zone” This is the time of flashbacks….Perhaps the only time in his life when a man actually remembers dates!!! “Tu janta hai? Last year, isi din hum pehli baar walk pe gaye the…” Yaar, how can she do this to me? What does she see in that buffoon Aniket?

The third is the “acceptance zone”… This is where men start acting like themselves all over again… They gawk at cuter chicks… But mind you, they still have feelings for their girlfriends…I’d bet if any of these chicks wanted to kiss this guy, he’d start calling his ex-girlfriend’s name out loud!!! Finally, over time.. men move to the steady state zone “fantasy zone” This is where, as always, they picture themselves with the cute chicks….

I think the root of the whole problem is that there is a mismatch between guys and girls.. in a relationship, the guy is always casual at first… when the girl perhaps wants to get serious… but over time, the guy begins to settle down with this girl and his ego wants him to keep her locked in a golden cage… this makes the girl feel suffocated and long for more freedom…the guy in turn misunderstands this and starts imagining that the girl doesn’t love him….how does he react???? Tighten the screws of the cage!!!

I guess the more aware you are about these things, the easier you’ll find to come to terms with your relationships….. and of course when yer playing the agony brother! *sigh*

Status Quo, the way to go?

A True Account...

From his office on the top floor, Jeff Paulson could see the sun setting over the skyline. It was symbolic of his life. For outsiders, Paulson owned the world. An MBA degree from one of the Ivy League bschools, an enviable track record, nice guy, happily settled down in life. But as the recently appointed CEO of a multinational tobacco corporation, he alone knew his problems. He was due to address his board in a couple of minutes…. A steely resolve gripped him as he took his steps towards his destiny. “If you do this, things will never be the same again. You will never know how things would have worked out…” Lauria’s words echoed in his mind….

In a brief period, this was the fifth company Paulson was taking charge of (or maybe sixth…no one keeps count..). He hated that. The first three at least were amicable, but the last one had been particularly ugly. After a period of two years, in one of which he made the cover of Business Week for the best CEO in town, his board had thrown him out in favor of a new superstar CEO. It hurt bad. Paulson was not the normal CEO you talk about in Principal Agent problems. He was a specimen who genuinely loved his company and its shareholders. When he was at the helm of a company, he’d never even consider looking at other options, however attractive they seemed to be. The job of the CEO was like marriage to Paulson, sacrosanct and above everything…..even himself….

US Tobacco seemed to be the perfect choice for Jeff. And they had just thrown out their CEO. If this wasn’t a symbiotic relationship, what could be? After months of pulling strings and playing the right cards, Jeff finally had the top job. He hit the books with a vengeance, looking for ways to improve the financials. Stock prices had been low, it was evident the company was undervalued. There was a huge stream of cash inflows. Jeff drew up a plan to diversify into the food business. For months, he and his dedicated team scoured for potential targets and drew up plans. It was after a board meeting on a sultry Thursday morning that the realization dawned on him. This board was not too bothered about shareholder interests. They were not even his board! Here was stonewalling at its best! Every proposal by Jeff was being shot down on the most ridiculous of grounds. Everyone from the sweeper to the chairman of the board seemed to think that change was a satanic verse! Status Quo would be the way to go…

It was then that Jeff ran to Lauria… She was married to his best friend from college, and Jeff couldn’t be happier for his friend. He adored and respected her. Now years later, he was seldom in touch with his friend, but he and Lauria caught up occasionally….. swapping stories and career advice… Lauria was the youngest vice president in the last decade in this part of the country. “Dude, I feel I am not in control of the whole thing, u know? I mean you’d think the CEO is the one who called the shots. But things are very difficult to change down there… Deep down, I know this would work…and it would be totally worth it…” He talked and talked…He never understood the vagaries of boards…They were fickle, and highly influenced by public opinion. Jeff had never been a conventional CEO. Neither funny, nor an extrovert…Jeff was more of the conservative, thinking type…Getting his point across to the other party was always a matter of concern to him… “Do your work and get on with your life!!! I’ve better things to do than crack silly jokes and indulge in orgies at stupid socializing parties….” He used to tell…Lauria disagreed, but understood him… “See Jeff, you gotta get a grip on yer life…Is this company that important to you?”

“Yes….It really is…I can feel it going somewhere meaningful, u know?”

“Ok, as I can see it… There are two options… You obviously cant go in and make sweeping changes.. There is no way that would work, with the employees and board totally comfortable with the status quo… So you could shelve your proposals for now.. Settle down, and maintain things the way they are now….”

“No way.. that’s insane… The board would think I’m not assertive enough… they wouldn’t feel my conviction in the whole idea… you get me? Everyone in the company would look at me as a new guy who wants to change things around just to get his kicks…”

“Hmmm…You are right…But the second option will be very painful to you.. Resign. That way, you maintain your views that the diversification is very important to the company, but you lose your company. You will never know how things would have worked out in the end… You don’t know in whose hands the company is finally going to end up in…do you want that?”

Jeff hated to admit it, but deep down he knew Lauria was right… The first option seemed to be the lesser of the two evils… He promised her he’d take things slow, at the same time skeptical of whether it would work… His ability to screw things up with every company he’s ever handled surprised him, puzzled him… He was not sure where he was going wrong… He was hard working, he had the best interests at heart… He wanted to do what was best for the shareholders… But why were things going wrong at every step he took? At that instant, he’d have given away his right hand to know….

Now he sat in his office, smoking away at the company’s Premiere brand cigarette…watching the sun set… Two packs down, he wondered whether this would change his life for ever.. “Yes, I have to do this…”, he kept telling himself...Now, as he walked over to address the board, tucked in his left breast pocket was his resignation letter…

“In the end, even if I lose the company I love, I can look back and tell myself that I always gave it what it wanted even if I did not believe that it was the best thing for the company…”

Was he wrong? Who are we to tell? Was he right? Maybe, maybe not… But he sure gave up his personal wishes for the company that he loved…. Maybe he was just weak…?

My experiences with God...

u will not believe this, but religion was created as a means of achieving political stability. for maintaining law and order. all these scriptures and culture is programmed in our subconscious mind so that we will never "sin"... if a person were to realize that he could do something bad (like kill another person..) and get away with it, that wud have been the end of law and order in the early world. so smart ppl invented the concept of god to instil a fear in people...(something similar to mom saying eat fast, or else gabbar singh will come...) religion evolved subsequently to reinforce these beliefs. i do not disagree that all the scriptures (bible, gita, vedas, upanishads, quran) all recommend good actions... but thts like the lowest form of awareness. the goal is not to get u to believe in "god". the goal is to get u to believe in "good".

subsequently, two schools of political philosophy emerged in the cambridge university in the early 19th century. ppl who saw this through. ppl who refused to believe in god and religion. they were divided into "the intuitionists" and "the utilitarians"... the former group believed that even if religion were not there, ppl wud still continue doing good bcos they intuitively know that is the right thing to do. the latter group feels that everyone has a selfish motive. bcos of this, ppl will see the utility in a better world and so will do good. modern concepts like economics is premised on this utilitarian concept.

so if u ask me....
1. the least level of awareness is lack of belief in god. this level of hierarchy is characterised by criminals and the like.
2. next level is being religious - the illusion that one's religion and beliefs are far superior to anyone else's.
3. third level is being spiritual - belief in god, but blurring boundaries between religions.. a feeling that religion is irrelevant, its god and his teachings that are important... this happens when u read all the scriptures from all religions.. ppl like akbar were in this category...
4. the last category is the philosophy of existentialism. the realization that the whole point is in the teachings that these books and their authors are trying to convey and that god is but an illusory medium to communicate it to the illiterate. such ppl do not believe in god, they believe in themselves, and their ability and motivation to do good to society.

finally, this is not designed to provoke a controversy or anythin... everyone is totally entitled to have their own personalized views of god and religion... just sharing mine with u guys....